A Student's Dilemma

You wake up to the sound of your alarm clock - it rings relentlessly - its a tune that you have come to hate. You reach to turn it off and notice that its another gloomy and rainy day in November; you yearn for the summer... the days were brighter, warmer, and more welcoming. Its time to make a choice... [[Get out of bed ]] [[Stay in bed]]

The day has just begun, but you already feel exhausted. Still, you found the power to start your day. You brush your teeth, shower, and make yourself breakfast. Whats next? [[Go to class]] [[Play video games]] [[Go exercise]]

You awaken randomly - the day feeling more dreadful than before. Why does everything feel even more souless? More colourless? You missed your classes today and youre already so behind. You feel anxiety creeping in harder than it already was. You feel yourself gasping for air as if you were underwater. [[Stay in bed again]] [[Play video games]] [[Start studying]] [[Go exercise]]

You decide to play video games. You tell yourself it will just be a quick game of CS2 and you'll get right on studying after - but you dont. You knew you wouldn't. When youre playing with youre friends the world around you doesn't exist - you don't have to deal with the soul crushing reality that is being a student in November. Still, you had fun but its time to come back to reality. [[Go see your partner]] [[Go to sleep]]

Once again, you awaken randomly - its nearly dark out. Where did the sunlight go? Why are the days so short? The anxiety you felt earlier comes rushing back in from the moment you opened your eyes. You feel like youre suffocating from the stress. You question almost everything in life. You have to get up, you have to at least brush your teeth, you have to put something in your belly. You push through and at least do the bare minimum. You think about exercising, seeing your partner, studying, or even playing video games - you can't muster the strength to anything. You jump back in bed and let your brain ooze and melt into your phone. As your brain decays, you find yourself so bored... but you can't help letting the phone distract you from your pain. The days have melted away into weeks, and into months - you don't even remember how you got here, but here you are. The rest of the day whizzes by and you're left with only once choice. [[Go to sleep]]

You are so behind in school that starting to catch up feels daunting. It feels like there is nothing you can do - but you try anyways. You somehow find yourself focused and in a flow state. You feel so much better after every page you read - you start realizing that it is still possible to catch up and your brain is just playing a couple tricks on you. The hours melt away and after you feel just that little bit lighter. Again though, the darkness creeps in - you have to do this for another month and then prep for your finals. It feels like every bit of joy is quickly smoothered by the darkness of reality. [[Go see your partner]] [[Go to sleep]]

You attach your bicycle to your indoor trainer and get on zwift. You start pedaling and every pedal stroke you can feel the world around you brighten ever so slightly. The hour melts away. You shower and feel refreshed. [[Start studying]] [[Play video games]]

You attended all of your classes. You feel accomplished for the first time today... its only short lived though - you can't help but wonder why you're learning some of the things you are. School feels purposeless, much like everything right now. [[Play video games]] [[Start studying]] [[Go exercise]]

You start getting ready to end the day. You didn't see your partner today and it has been a while - maybe you should try to see them tomorrow. You wonder if sharing how you feel will maybe help unburden you. You get into bed and shut your eyes. [[A new day]]

The day is winding to an end, but you go to see your partner. You haven't seen them for a while since they have been busy with school and work and its been difficult for you to muster up the strength to leave your own apartment. As soon as you see them your mood brightens. They can tell youre not yourself - they love you uncondtionally and support you regardless. You both yap the night away. You carry their warmth with you as you feel more ready to tackle the next day. [[A new day]]

The day was challenging, but you got through it. Sometimes that should be cause for celebration on its own. Regardless of how much or how little you feel that you accomplished - you made it through. You learned some lessons from today and youre ready to apply them tomorrow. The sun will rise tomorrow - you might just have to fight through the clouds to be able to see it and feel it. Don't stop trying. Thanks for playing through my little game - I know the subject matter was rather dark and playing through it might have felt difficult for some, but I am happy you tried it! If you are feeling this way, or have felt this way - there are people here to help you. You don't have to go through this alone. Regardless of what your mind may be telling you - people love you and are here to help. Reach out to your friends, family, or therapist. You don't have to wade through the darkness alone. :) - Markus